The Constant Pursuit of More: Finding Life Balance

I’ve always been incredibly driven. I’ve always had a goal in mind, something to work towards whether it was an academic achievement like a degree or course or certificate, or been in pursuit of an athletic goal like improving my running pace time, breaking a personal best or getting in X number of workouts a week.

I’ve reached a point in my life where all of these goals are have either been completed (go me!) or have lost their significance and are no longer things I care about.  Shockingly enough, being in a place without concrete, measurable goals is actually harder than being in the midst of the struggle to obtain them. And even harder still is letting go of the goals that no longer serve you. Letting go of the goals that are no longer important to you before you've completed them.

I am in such a great place right now.  I am going to be married in 58 short days to a man that supports me, loves me unconditionally, is a great Dad and a true provider for our family.  We own a cute little house that I love (mostly because it’s ours).  I have the most amazing son who I adore more than anything in this whole world and who brings me so much joy and laughter every day. I am a month away from being finished my Master’s Degree in Public Health and Social Policy, which has been a goal of mine since developing a passion for Public Health during my undergrad.  I have a full time permanent job that pays the bills.  I’m surrounded by friends and family.   

And yet, for some reason I keep thinking “what next?”  I’m having trouble being still, and enjoying everything exactly as it is because life really is pretty awesome right now. I’m not saying that being ambitious and having goals is a bad thing. In fact, I think it’s so important to value self-growth and to be mentally stimulated by things that you are passionate about every day.  But there’s got to be a balance between always striving for more while still being perfectly content right where you are.

This is the balance I’m striving for. 

Part of me wonders if having a job in my field that challenges me and ignites my passions might create this balance. And part of me worries that I’ll always be looking to the next goal, the next stage, the next achievement. 

So the question of the day;  is it possible to constantly have goals while still enjoying exactly where you are? Aren't these two things a bit of an oxymoron?

Disconnecting from TV and Internet

Today is the first day of Spring! Every year I find myself more and more appreciative of spring and the promise it brings for fresh starts, warm summer nights and hot daytime sun.  Maybe it's living in the Northwest Territories that has me loving spring more and more each year.  The winters here are long and dark and cold. This Spring is particularly exciting because we're getting married in May! Other springtime plans include spring cleaning my house and spending as much time as possible outside now that the temperatures are starting to creeping above freezing.

Another big change we're making this spring is as a family, we're making a concerted effort to disconnect from technology and spend more quality time together.  As of April 1st, we are cutting ties to our Satellite TV and the WIFI in our home.  It's going to be a big adjustment! I find the TV on whenever we're home just for the background noise, and I'm pretty much always scrolling through social media.  We're hoping that cutting off these services will force us to spend more time outside playing and gardening, more time reading books, more time exercising after Max goes to bed and more time checking items off our to-do list around the house.  I'm also hoping it will teach me to be more present when I'm home. I'm a slave to my cell phone and it's pretty much always in my hand. I'm seriously addicted! I want to spend more time playing with Legos and blocks, colouring, swinging on the swing set in the yard and walking to the local parks.

One of the other reasons we're disconnecting is to save money.  When we looked at our monthly expenses, we realized we were spending over 300$ a month on these services.  That's a lot of money! We're going to use that money to help pay for our wedding and to help pay off our vehicle sooner.

While we won't have satellite TV or internet in our home, I will still have access to internet at work and limited data on my smart phone.  We are also lucky enough to have an amazing library in our town where we can rent movies and seasons of shows and of course books.  So we aren't disconnecting completely from electronics, but our use will be drastically reduced.

We've disconnected for 6 months and we're going to re-evaluate in September.  I'll keep you posted on how it goes!  Until then, I'll be binge watching bad TV and Netflix until April 1st.

FIFO Family Life

And my second month of working full time as a ‘single’ mom while Chris is away is almost over.  I have a whole new appreciation for Fridays that I didn’t have while on Maternity Leave.  Since Chris works a FIFO (fly-in fly-out) job, 2 weeks in, 2 weeks out, weekends were never really any different for us while I was off work.  The exciting days were fly-in days which are Tuesdays or  Wednesdays, while the dreaded ‘Monday’ of our world are the Tuesdays and Wednesdays he flies back to camp.  I don’t think I’ll ever get used to those lonely fly-out days.

Being a new mom and a new family definitely has its challenges.  Having a partner who works away has it’s challenges.  Combining both of them has been such a learning experience for me.  I know how much Chris hates being away from home so often and I know that it’s hard on him to essentially miss half of Max’s life.  I can’t really comment on what it’s like to be the one who is always away, but I do know what it’s like to be the one left at home with all the responsibilities of caring for a baby and keeping the house a float, while also working full time.  It’s easy for me to sit here and talk about how I have it harder than him, and while I think that in some ways, I know he feels that it’s harder to be away. 

And because I’m mildly obsessed with lists, I’m going to list the things that being a ‘single’ mom half the time has taught me!

1)      It’s ok to ask for help

 We are very lucky to have quite a bit of family that live nearby.  And living in a small town means that your friends become as close as family too.  All of these things have been life savers this year.  My mother in law and sister in law run a daycare so they are available all day to watch max when I need them to. My sister lives in town as well and has been an amazing support with Max and has been able to watch him for me whenever I need her to.  While I was on maternity leave, this was the occasional afternoon where I needed to get a paper written for my Masters degree or had a rare ‘mommy’s night out’ at book club or a movie with a friend.  Honestly, sometimes these resources were utilized just so I could have an hour alone at a coffee shop to read a book or get errands done.  We are lucky to have such a great support system close by, but if you don’t and your budget allows, it’s worth hiring a sitter once in a while for ‘me’ time. Take people up on their offers to bring you supper or help watch the baby.  While in the moment it might feel like you’re slacking, the little breaks add up in the long run to save your sanity. Even if it’s just for 20 minutes so you can run to the grocery store, prep a hot meal or even just take an extra long shower.

2)      There are more hours in a day then you think, but never enough

Every time Chris leaves, I’m intimidated about doing everything myself. Caring for Max and Penny in a way that showers them both with love. Maintaining some semblance of a clean house, keeping up with laundry, shoveling snow as needed, cooking every meal, doing bath and bedtime routines by myself, getting everyone out of the house on time in the morning.  All of the day-to-day everyday life things. Things that we do together, as partners that you take for granted.  There’s no “I’ll take out the garbage while you get Max dressed” or “I’ll go switch the laundry while you finish supper”.  All of a sudden it all needs to get done by one person.  But you know what? It gets done. Eventually.  Maybe not as quickly as it would with us both home, but the laundry can wait an extra day.  You’ll find yourself doing more in a day then you thought possible, and wondering how you’re so unproductive when your partner is home.

3)      You’ll miss your ‘single’ routine when he’s home

My routine when Chris is home is very different then when he’s away. I’m more organized. I’m more productive. I do things in a way that works well for me.  I don’t have to consider anyone else. When Chris gets home, that all changes.  I have to consider someone else’s schedule and habits.  I have to consider someone else’s dietary preferences. There’s someone else in my space and disrupting my routine with a different mental timeline or a different way of doing things.  But it goes both ways.  There’s someone else home to help with the baby and the puppy. It takes a few days to adjust to him being home.  The first few days we’re stepping on each other and getting into each others way because we’re no longer used to co-existing.

4)      How you think things will run when he gets home is not how it actually work

I always make elaborate plans for once Chris is home and I’ll have so much help and tons of free time.  Nope. Doesn’t work that way! While it’s great to think that he will take over Max duty all day so I can go to the gym and have coffee with friends, he usually has an agenda of things he needs to do while home to. Like fix the truck, plow snow, help a buddy fix their truck.  Communicating really well about my needs and expectations when he’s home and his is so important. He’s exhausted after working 14 days straight, particularly when he comes off nights.  I expect him to be in full on Dad mode the second he steps off the plane, while he needs a day to adjust and recuperate. I expect him to just pick up where he left off but 2 weeks is a long time in the life of a baby and it takes him a few days to get reoriented with Max’s routine and schedule. We both need to give each other a little slack those first few days because it takes time for everyone to get readjusted. 

5)      Fly-out days don’t get any easier

The loneliness that first little while after Chris gets out of the truck and into the airport to fly-out is deep and dark. 2 weeks feels like an eternity in those first few hours and you wonder how you’re going to survive, how you’ve ever managed to do it all before.  While previous two week stretches as a ‘single’ parent should provide confidence, they don’t because so much has changed in the month since he left last. You feel like crying every. single. time but you don’t because you put on a brave face for the baby, who knows he’s gone but doesn’t realize it’s for 2 full weeks.  You cuddle extra with the baby and dog those first few days as you adjust, yet again to a new routine and level of busyness.

6)      You’ll be grumpy that he’s the ‘favorite’ after working so hard solo

 Nothing makes Max or Penny happier then Chris.  When he walks through the door after being away they both freak out.  They cling to him for days.  Max only wants to be held by Dad and play with Dad. And while this makes my heart melt seeing their bond and the love they have for each other, I can’t help but think that I just worked soo hard keeping him alive and safe and happy the last two weeks and he doesn’t even appreciate it.  Obviously he’s a baby and I’m just over thinking it all, but I can’t help but feel a little rejected those first few days.

Oh my gosh I could talk about this forever! There’s just so many complex emotions that accompany this lifestyle. And I'm sure it'll change dramatically now that I'm back to work.

The biggest learning for me personally has been that we're both working hard for our family in very different ways.  Both are equally important, both are equally difficult, and both are equally crucial to our household running smoothly.

Returning to work after Maternity Leave

Well you guys, I’m officially back to work full time.  Today was my first day back in 13 glorious months  home, 11 of which were with my little man.  This past year of Maternity Leave has gone by so so fast! Every single cliché about new motherhood flying by is so true. I don’t know where the time went!

It’s only been one day and already I have a list of advice for my future self about how to stay (aka GET) organized enough to have my day run smoothly.  Particularly when Chris is working or in school away from home and I’m solo parenting a baby and a puppy, while trying to work full time and still maintain my sanity and somewhat of a social life. Mostly my goal in life right now is not to burn out, and to find a routine that is manageable and realistic.  There are a few things that I know I need to force myself to do in order to make this happen, and unfortunately it doesn’t include watching Teen Mom and the Bachelor all night after work.  Essentially these are things that I know make a huge difference in my ability to get through the week, but even so are things I have to force myself to actually do.

1.       Dedicate time to meal prep on the weekend.  This means making a meal plan, going grocery shopping and chopping and pre-making as much as I possibly can on Sundays so that I don’t need to think about what to make and eat all week.  Not only does this save me time overall, but it also helps make sure I eat healthy since healthy options are easily accessible and already prepared. At the moment, I’m following an 8 week meal plan designed by Tone It Up, with some modifications.  Once the 8 week plan is over, I’m hoping to follow a similar structure with our own healthy family favorites.

2.       Pack everything the night before! The last thing I usually want to do after a day of work, dinner and getting Max to bed is make my lunch and snacks and pack my work bag and the diaper bag but it makes such a huge difference!  It literally takes 10 minutes, but it’s something I always put off until the morning, at which point I’m running around like a crazy person trying to find everything we need to get out the door.  I only get a half hour for lunch and spend that time rushing home to take Penny for a walk so having my lunch made means I’ll actually have time to eat! It also means I don’t get stuck buying my lunch from the cafeteria, which also saves me money (another of my resolutions!). It’s an extra bonus if I can get my breakfast made the night before too, especially if it’s something both me and Max can enjoy like protein pancakes, eggs or smoothies.

3.       Wake up the FIRST time my alarm goes off.  This was a total fail this morning.  Max was up a few times overnight so I justified getting a bit of extra sleep.  Well, 45 minutes after my first alarm went off, I finally dragged my butt out of bed and didn’t have time to wash my hair.  I’ve contemplated showering at night before bed but that just isn’t how I roll and my hair would be ridiculously unmanageable the next morning. 

4.       Keep a well-stocked desk / office space.  This means keeping everything I need daily at my desk and not bringing it home every night so that I can’t forget it the next day.  Some of my desk essentials include a water bottle, a coffee mug with Keurig pods and tea bags, trail mix, gym shoes, gym clothes (ok these I bring home, but keeping a few sets helps buffer my forgetfulness), a picture of my family, and a cell phone charger. A bonus item would be head phones for the gym – I need to get a second pair for my desk! Having the gym in my building makes it much easier to get there every day after work.

What I need to keep telling myself for extra motivation to do these things is that the more organized and time efficient I am, the more time I have to spend with Max! It was a sad realization that in the span of a week, he spends more hours at daycare then he does awake at home with me.  Getting prepared for my day the night before means that I get 20 minutes to play with Max in the mornings instead of running around. It means spending less time cooking after work and more time hanging out with him before bed.  It’s definitely not going to be easy, and until I get used to it, it will probably feel like I’ve run a marathon at the end of each day but soon enough it’ll be a new routine that will benefit the whole family. 

It takes 21 days to create a habit…1 down, 20 to go!

Let's Try This Again

My first ever blog post was January 2nd, 2010.  It seems so crazy that this little space on the interweb began 6 years ago.  The new year and the promise of fresh beginnings that it brings inspired me to finally start writing here in the first place, so I figured it was fitting that I attempt to write again at the dawn of 2016.

So much has changed since I started this blog! So much has changed since my last post! I started this as a way to document my University and Dietetic Internship and now I'm a new mom, finishing up my Masters Degree, about to go back to work full time, engaged to be married in a few months and still living in NWT.  It's crazy how much can change in such a little amount of time, and how far from where you thought you'd be you can stray just to find that you actually have everything you wanted.

Having spent the majority of 2014 and the entirety of 2015 either pregnant or nursing and home with Max on maternity leave, I'm looking forward to taking more time for myself in 2016. I'm a firm believer in goal setting, and so I'm hoping by writing here again I can stay accountable to my goals for 2016.  I also find writing therapeutic, so in a way the mere act of writing here is helping me accomplish some of my goals.

So for full disclosure here we go!

1. Exercise regularly
2. Drink more water
3. Pay off Depts and create savings
4. Spend less time watching TV and on the computer
5. Read all bookclub books
6. Blog twice weekly or more

I'm hoping to do regular updates about life and my goals.  I'm hoping to develop a but more structure eventually but for now, I'm just going to go with the flow and see how well I can do!

En Route!

I'm writing from the Vancouver airport as I eagerly await my 3rd and last flight of the day to Seattle!  I admit that it took me until now to be excited about the trip.  Last week was a rough one.  Being exhausted from previous travel, learning how to handle a new puppy, a busy work week and being in the middle of moving houses all at once took it's toll on my sanity. But I did what I could while I was home, and I can't do anything more until I get back, which means I can justifiably in full vacation mode without stressing and feeling guilty about everything that needs to be done at home.  Hurrah!

I'm lucky to have such a great support system that brings me back to reality when I'm stressed out, tired and no longer rational. Chris advised me to consider my 3 days in Seattle as a break from life and to just go, have fun and forget about real life for a few days. Which is what I intend to do.  At least what I intend to try to do.  So to get started on my vacation from real life, in my usual style, I'm making a list of things I'm looking forward to in Seattle!

1) Sambo
Sam was my next door neighbour in residence n first year University as well as my roommate for 3rd and 4th year when we lived on Gerald Street in Charlottetown.  She's too nice for her own good and would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it.  She's definitely the type of person you want in your corner because if you ever needed anything, she'd be there in an instant with a lending hand, kind words, encouragement and always with a joke.  We get each other's sense of humour, which in my case is embarrassingly lame, which is one of the reasons we're such good friends.  We've been keeping in touch via Skype and email since we graduated 2.5 years ago (omg, we're getting old! time flies!) but I haven't seen her since then.  To say I'm excited is an understatement!  We spent a lot of time together at the Starbucks in Charlottetown, so meeting up in Seattle, the birthplace of Starbucks, just seemed fitting.

Total Goof balls. LOVE IT!

2) Shopping
Remember that feeling of the first day of school when you pick out your outfit the night before, lay it out in your room, wear your brand new sneakers and have a new backpack full of crisp notebooks and new pencil crayons? I miss that.  We don't exactly have clothing stores in Hay River.  And I haven't really had a reason to go 'back to school' shopping in about 3 years.  Since I'm going straight to Victoria from Seattle for a week of orientation for my Masters of Public Health, I'm looking forward to being in a city with shops and am glad I finally have an excuse to buy a few new 'back to school' outfits and school supplies!

3) Seattle
For some reason, I've always wanted to go to Seattle.  I've heard nothing but good things and everyone who's been seems to love it. I'm excited to explore a new city, check out the space needle and Pike Place Market and be a dorky tourist toting a camera and a map.  We don't have any real plans for while we're there other than the above tourist destinations and a Mariners game.  I was intending to bring my Toronto Blue Jays hat to wear but it was already packed and i had no desire to sift through boxes and duffle bags to figure out where it was.  Is that a faux pas? Wearing a team's swag that's not even playing?

4) Sangria and a Girl's Night
I don't have a ton of girl friends in Hay River and miss having nights out with all the girls like we did in University. I was so fortunate to go to school with such a great bunch of ladies that were able to take courses together, do projects together and still hang out and go out together on weekends without any lame girly drama. I think Sam and I are due for a little Sangria induced night out on the town...een if she doesn't realize it yet!

5) Victoria
I've never been to Victoria, but again, it's one of those cities that everyone seems to love.  I'm excited to officially start school with U Vic, but mostly I'm excited to visit with my Aunt and Uncle who were generous enough to let me crash with them for the week.  Since I grew up on the opposite side of the country form them, I definitely didn't get to see them very often and am excited to get this chance to hang out with them (and their dogs).  National Dragon Boat championships are going on in Victoria that weekend too, which means I've got a few friends from home that will be there at the same time.  I'm hoping we get a chance to cross paths.  It might be a really busy week!

Yesterday I learned how hard it is to leave your dogs behind.  Our dog sitter / house sitter is awesome and I feel confident they will be well taken care of and loved but it still broke my heart a little leaving them.  Luna knew what was going on and just looked at me with her huge brown eyes, and Maverick had no clue but stuck to my leg like glue and cried for a whole hour after I left.  Yep...I'm totally a crazy person.

And there's my boarding call!  I'm hoping to check in from Seattle at least one with pictures of my adventures!

Home Again, Home Again (jiggity jig)

The one downfall to vacations (even quasi working vacations like Canada Games) is the pile up of stuff that’s waiting for you at home to get done. 

The last few days in Sherbrooke were awesome.  I got to watch the finals for men’s and women’s volleyball, I met up with a long lost friend from University, saw an old paddling coach for about 5 minutes while I was getting on the bus and Team Ontario was getting off, and got to soak in the energy of the games as the new athletes arrived at the Athlete’s Village.  All in all it was an incredible experience, and I’m definitely hoping to have more opportunities to be involved with team NWT. Ideally in a dietetics related role but who knows what may happen down the road!

I got back to Hay River on Sunday evening and within 12 hours we were packed into the car for the 12 hour drive to Edmonton.  We finally got to pick up our puppy!  We’ve been waiting for him for about a year.  We had been in contact with this particular breeder last summer but she didn’t have any pups left at that time and put us on the waiting list.  She let us know they were having another litter in the early spring and we’ve been anxiously awaiting the chance to bring him home ever since.

I was a little bit nervous about getting a puppy!  I’ve never had a pup before so my only experience with dogs is the year we’ve had Luna live with us. She was already almost 3 years old though, and already well trained. It took her a bit to warm up to me but I like to think we’re best buds now.  She’s so entertaining and makes me laugh every day.  Plus it’s been nice having her around the house to keep me company when Chris is up at the mine. She doesn’t exactly love other dogs, and only really gets along with a select few.  She’s a little too sassy for her own good sometimes, which made me hesitant to bring another puppy into the house.  She’s little and runs around the yard like crazy all day.  Now she’ll have a big dog to go on backyard adventures with!  She’s still a little grumpy with the new addition but is slowly warming up to the new pup. They even played tug of war together a few times! It’s going to be a slow process but I’m hoping and wishing that they’re going to be best friends eventually.

The new puppy is a White German Shepherd named Maverick!  He is pretty awesome, but challenging!  He sleeps most of the day right now, he hates his crate and cries whenever he’s in it, and he is a little bit whiny and clingy.  We’ve only had him 3 days though and are still establishing a routine.  He’s slowly getting more courageous and wondering further from me in the yard, and has started trying to keep up with Luna as she sky rockets around the yard chasing mice and birds and squirrels.  He normally runs about 10 feet before giving up since he’s so much clumsier and slower than she is right now.

I’m slowly turning into a crazy dog lady! I apologize in advance for the copious amount of pictures of the dogs that will likely appear and the number of times I mention them in each post.

First trip to the beach...tired him out!

This month is crazy busy!  I had Canada Games, then the new pup and next week I’m headed to Seattle for 3 days to meet up with Sambo, my bff who I haven’t seen since I graduated University, which embarrassingly is like over 2 years ago! And then I’m off to Victoria for a week for Orientation for my MPH and to see my Aunt and Uncle. And then, when I get back, we’re moving into a new house.  As excited as I am for the upcoming adventures, I would be lying if I didn’t admit to be a little bit excited for September to come and to be staying in Hay River for more than a week at a time.

Happy Weekend Everyone!  

My plans are to pack up as much of the house as possible, teach Maverick to love his crate and to stay and to get a solid run in with a friend.  Fingers crossed that iced coffees, a good book and some beach time fit in there too.  Oh and as always, take the time to stop and smell the flowers!